Dragon Auntie by Timothy Yeo Shao Hui
“Eh Kevin, faster sit! Auntie Susan coming, she behind you only!”
He almost dropped his chicken-rice when he heard that. Heart beating wildly, he whirled around, hoping and praying that Ming Xiao was joking. He froze when he saw her.
She was looking at him the way his parents did when he told them he’d scored 4/50 for his Math test. As she glared at him, he saw her lick her lips, as if he was a cup of ice-cold ‘teh-ping’ on a hot day. He knew what was coming; the stories he’d heard provided all the answers.
“Auntie Susan ah? Must follow her canteen rules if not you mati… Her canteen rules? Hmm when you eating, die die must sit, she scared food anyhow spill mah. Then when you finish already, better put back the plate. That time I never put back, wa kenna scolded super jialat…”
“Auntie Susan super fierce and scary. Got one time teacher never return plate, then Auntie Susan super pek chek, complain until principal and principal boss all… Then in the end teacher kenna fired.”
“Better be careful of Auntie Susan, she can make everyone cry one, upper primary also. You know, James Lim, the P6 gangster? That time he try create problem for her, thought can bully her… Then I heard after that, she go his house and hang him outside the window until he say sorry. Now every time he eat already, he clear his plate. When he see her, he greet her also…”
Honestly, he didn’t think that he was someone that caused trouble. The naughtiest thing he’d probably ever done was spilling Milo on carpeted floor. That was a year ago and now, of all places, he’d to misbehave right in front of Singapore’s scariest person.
Broom over her shoulder, she started approaching him, her eyes the same as his mum’s whenever she went to the Great Singapore Sale. With her black apron and grey rubber boots, she reminded him of the grim-reaper he’d seen in an Incredible Tales episode, gliding between canteen tables to suck the souls of people who broke her rules. People like him.
“Wa, die liao, macham sway siah.”
“Poor thing , P1 so fast kenna from her already.”
The whispering from the nearby tables didn’t make him feel better.
“Kevin, you siao ah! Why you still standing!”
Ming Xiao’s words smacked him back from frozenness. He shakily placed his food on the table and sat down. Across him, Ming Xiao was furiously cramming spoonful after spoonful of fried-rice into his mouth, his chubby face white with fear. Ming Xiao was fat and slow at everything except eating but he really wished they could swap bodies; anything to get out of trouble. He started to pray silently, begging Allah, Guanyin, all the gods he could name, for help.
A shadow fell over him. His heart stopped.
She was so close that he could smell her perfume. It was the same one his sister wore during Chinese New Year. It’d been her first time using it and she’d gone around asking for their opinions. Afterwards, he didn’t know why she got so angry. Though it’d burned his nose, he was just telling the truth by saying it smelled like dirty, wet socks mixed with earthworms. After that experience, he thought he wouldn’t have to smell anything that gross again, until a few seconds ago. He held his breath and shut his eyes, hoping he didn’t breathe enough of her perfume to die.
The table shook as she slammed her fist down.
“Boy, you know canteen rules right? You eat that time, stand or sit?”
He slowly opened his eyes. In front of him, Ming Xiao’s face was buried in fried-rice, his lips literally kissing the plate. Around them, the other students were gone. He wondered what would happen if he ran off too. But the thought of Auntie Susan chasing him was…
“Eh boy, I talking to you, can you answer? No manners ah? Talk to you don’t want answer, don’t want look at me. Children nowadays…”
He didn’t dare look at her. Ming Xiao had told him about Auntie Susan’s poisonous breath and how it’d caused a P5 boy to be hospitalized. There was no way he wanted to spend one month in hospital with tubes sticking in his body. But then, he would rather be hospitalized than be thrown across the canteen for not showing manners.
“Ah, so now want to look at me. Faster answer, when you eat that time, must stand or sit?”
Face to face with her, he almost forgot how to breathe. He wanted to run to his mum and cry his heart out.
She was a hatchet-faced woman, skinny and stiff. Her arms and legs were bony, making her gloves and boots look too big for her. Despite her feebleness, she held her broom so tightly like it was a limited edition Prada bag. Her grey hair was tied into a ponytail and she wore a hot-pink bandana that hideously mismatched her black outfit. Her waxy face was thin and pale while her eyes, as black as bubble-tea pearls but nowhere close to sweet, coldly glared at him. She was smiling but her smile was cruel and evil, similar to the one his tuition teacher had when after knowing his Math result, she drank his bubble-tea that she’d confiscated and gave him 15 pages of Math homework.
“Must stand or sit? I don’t want repeat myself.”
Her voice was low and rough, rubbing his ears like sandpaper. He took a deep breath to calm himself.
“Sit…”
“You say sit, so why you stand? Trying create trouble is it?”
“No Auntie Susan, I talking to my friend then… Then I forgot…”
“Ah, so you forgot… You got forget play computer game? You got forget watch TV? Those things never forget right? So why something so simple you can forget? How come you can forget follow rules? Make excuses only you… Tell me your name and class.”
This was it. He was so dead. He could say bye to eating his favourite chicken-rice, playing football with his friends and asking Kimberly Tan, the non-ugliest girl in class, to be his friend.
“Kevin Lee, Class 1A.”
“Wa, you P1 only then want break rules already. You all really too much, every day only give me trouble. Don’t want follow my rules, don’t want listen, only want talk back. Then after all that still want complain, tell school to kick me out…Create so much problem then never even say…”
“Sorry Auntie Susan.”
The words spilled uncontrollably out of him. There was no turning back now, even if saying sorry had felt like the right thing to do. No one ever interrupted Auntie Susan. He looked down and gripped the canteen-bench tightly, trying to avoid her burning gaze while feeling like the stupidest person ever. He knew a real painful death awaited him.
“What you say?”
Her eyes showed disbelief instead of anger, as if she didn’t know whether he was being serious.
“Sorry Auntie Susan, I won’t do it again.”
She examined him silently, her eyes moving up and down, as though he was a fish on display in the market. Cold sweat formed on his forehead when the grip on her broom tightened, exposing the veins in her bony arms. The last time he’d felt so stressed was deciding whether to spend his last two dollars on bubble-tea or ice-cream.
After staring for a long time, she looked away and put her broom against the table. As he waited for the end of his world, something confusing happened; she placed her hands on her hips and started laughing. Suddenly, he didn’t know what was worse, her spine-tingling laughter or the horrible fact that he’d no idea what was happening.
“Ha… What’s your name? Kevin Lee right? I give you one more chance, don’t make me catch you doing this again… Saying sorry… long time never hear already…”
As he stared at her, unable to believe his luck, he realised her appearance had changed. Her eyes didn’t seem as cold and her twisted smile felt more like a bad attempt at grinning. She looked like a normal person instead of the frightening monster that everyone’d told stories about. Picking up her broom, she turned and glided off, scanning the canteen to see if there was anyone brave enough to disobey her.
He didn’t know why but in that moment, she didn’t seem that scary anymore.
“Woah Kevin, you’re still alive!”
Ming Xiao’s voice made him realise he’d forgotten all about Ming Xiao. But seeing Ming Xiao seated there, staring at him with rice completely bearding his mouth and uniform almost bursting, he couldn’t help chuckling as all his remaining fear and anxiety disappeared.
“I tell you, even Principal scared of Auntie Susan…. But you know what teachers call her secretly? They call her Dragon Auntie.”
If he could survive Dragon Auntie, he could survive anything.