face to face by Phillip Ho
you slept facing me last night
not on the couch or facing my feet
as though i were an eclipse
and meant to be seen only in projection
or secondhand
and woke up the next day
like a guest in your own house
embarrassed
that you thought i was sleeping
when you tried to hold my hand
and left the room
when you found out that i was half-awake
when i was young
i must have held you the same way
when you tried to leave
to a day job
until you sat down with my head in your lap
and sang
rock-a-bye
-baby even though
we didn’t understand the words
back then
it was okay
because all i wanted
was to hear your voice
smoothing out
worry in a frown
just like yours
i saw it in your face this week
on the couch
with the motivational speaker
shouting chinese truisms
on how to live
a happy and fulfilling life
you were frowning
you always frown when you sleep
as though sleep is something that can be fought for
and woke up later
with your eyes and face
puffy and red
saw me reach for a camera and said
don’t take this
as though i had already taken everything else you had to give
and forgot
that earlier you said it was okay
for me to take whatever i thought was beautiful
so i spent
the rest of the week
looking for you in fingerprints
hairs in your brush
and the condensation of your laundry left too long
in the washing machine
until i gave up
and fell asleep on your bed
to wake by your grasp
burning with the desperation
to be made happy
or complete
and i retreated
because you were asking for something
that is not mine to give
or yours to ask for
then i understood
why yesterday you said
don’t take this.