Is it true that “I Can’t Help It”?
It is common to feel out-of-control when we experience strong negative emotions. However, there might also be things we unconsciously do that keep us in a state of unhappiness and negativity. There is a way for us to live more emotionally healthy lives – and the first step is to tweak our coping and thinking styles.
How Might I Be Making Myself Unhappy?
1. Excessive Rumination
Rumination, put simply, refers to the process of dwelling on negative thoughts and experiences. Reflecting on our disappointments and giving ourselves the space to feel angry, guilty, or sad is healthy and necessary to helping us move forward. However, when we allow our thoughts to go in loops of how much we have fallen short and how bad the consequences were, we tend to end up in the zone of self-blame and defeat. This prevents us from moving forward.
We can learn to engage in positive distractors to break negative thought chains. High levels of emotions tend to cause us to think the worst about ourselves and others. At times, breaking negativity requires a choice to step out of our current headspace, and returning only when we feel less emotional and more ready to think objectively. Thus, activities such as going out for a run or swim, watching a light-hearted movie, or meeting with friends can be effective in preventing our thoughts from running wild.
2. Unwilling to Let Go of Uncontrollable Factors
Another common contributor to our unhappiness is our attempts to control things that were never under our control. For example, the words and actions of others, or the continued spread of the pandemic which prolongs our travel and social restrictions.
Rather than being fixated on the idea that those uncontrollable things need to change in order for life to get better, we should identify clearly the aspects of the situation that are controllable and uncontrollable. Learning to accept the reality of uncontrollable situations and adjusting our goals to make the best of the current situation is a better way forward. Trying to control the things that we have no control over will only lead to more feelings of exasperation.
3. Perfectionism
Beyond having high expectations of oneself, perfectionism involves a pre-occupation with “perfect” outcomes. It is about having an all-or-nothing mindset where the whole journey of preparation is completely wasted if the end product is not flawless. This excessive fixation on outcomes causes individuals to constantly be highly strung, and feel intense shame or disappointment when the outcome is not perfect. In the process of pursuing perfection, we neglect small victories and progress made, and we constantly make ourselves (and others) feel inadequate.
Instead, go easy on yourself. Ask yourself, “Are my goals reasonable and attainable”? Try shifting your expectations from perfectionism towards that of excellence. Continue expecting the best of yourself, while remembering that your best is all you (or anyone) has to offer; and that there will always be room for growth.
4. Poor Coping
Lastly, we may engage in procrastination and addictions as they provide temporary reprieve for our minds from our stress. However, they also end up taking a toll on our physical health and cause our stress levels to pile up due to the time wasted. Instead, try developing healthier coping mechanisms that uplift your physical and emotional states. For example, try talking through things with trusted people, or engage in therapeutic hobbies such as running, writing, or art.
Another poor coping mechanism many engage in is social isolation. This often stems from not wanting burden our loved ones. However, this is almost always unhelpful, as being isolated from others leaves our poor thinking and coping unchecked. Social resources have proven to be a very strong factor which protects us against mental disorders. We are not doing ourselves a favour if we push people who love and care for us away. Allow yourself to be taken care of during your difficult seasons, and likewise support those around you when they need it.
So… Do We Really Have Control Over My Automatic Thoughts and Emotions?
Yes, we do! It might seem like some thoughts and emotions surfaced in our minds without our conscious control. However, it is possible to gradually re-wire the way we respond by developing good mental and behavioural habits. Going for counselling to work through deep-seated habits can be a first step forward. It might seem effortful and counter-intuitive initially, but there is hope — automatic thoughts and emotions can be reshaped slowly, with effort on our part and the help of those around us.