We have known from a young age that friendships are enjoyable and desirable. At one point, friendships were probably one of the most important things to us. However, as we grow up, we find that we have less time to invest in the many aspects of life that demand for our attention. We prioritize and ask ourselves, “Are friendships really that important?”
The short answer to this is yes. Research has found that those with strong social connections are happier and healthier. They also generally have higher levels of self-confidence, which allows them to carry themselves well as individuals. Friendships satisfy our core human needs of belonging and esteem.
“I am always surrounded by people, but I still feel so alone.”
This is a common experience of many today, especially with the availability of social media which provides people with a semblance of hyper-connectedness. We might always be surrounded by school and work friends, but that does not necessarily help us feel emotionally well.
One reason for this is that there are various layers to friendship: acquaintances, good friends, and close friends. While each of them plays a different role in our lives, close friends have the greatest impact on our wellbeing. They are the circle of people whom we trust, confide in, and discuss important matters with. This space to process through our emotions and experiences is a key factor that protects us against mental health disorders. Conversely, those without close relationships have been found to be more prone to unhealthy coping strategies and the onset of various mental disorders when distressing life circumstances occur.
Why are close friendships so hard to come by?
One of the biggest reasons why close friendships are usually limited to a small circle of three to five is because they take time and emotional investment. There is also a risk that vulnerable self-disclosure carries — we might not be understood and accepted when people know our raw thoughts and emotions. This caution in disclosure, however, is not a bad thing. It is wise to be selective in the people we choose to disclose more personal information to. It takes time for our friends to earn our trust and help us feel safe enough to be increasingly authentic and honest.
The key lies not in making every friend you come by a close friend, but rather to invest in the few comfortable relationships that we have; and deepen them.
How can I build close friendships?
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- Make time to connect.
Take time out of your schedule to spend quality time with your friends. This creates platforms for shared experiences and positive memories that deepen your relationship with each other.
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- Make it a point to listen.
While you are spending time with them, be intentional in listening to them and hearing about their lives. Friendships are a two-way street; it feels good to be listened to and supported, but it is also important to tend to your friend’s emotional needs. Tune in to what they are saying, ask questions to find out more about what they have shared. Maintain eye contact and refrain from leaning back or checking your phone intermittently — this signals disinterest. Mutual respect and support keep both parties in the friendship feeling engaged and satisfied.
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- Take risks in self-disclosure.
Be open and honest with how you are feeling and doing as you deem appropriate. Building any relationship is like a dance – there are times you lead and there are times you follow – it is the to-and-fro that keeps it alive. Your courage in first being vulnerable can help your friend feel safe enough to do the same. Share about the less perfect things that happened in your day, and see how they come through for you. It can be very healing to be seen and known by others, and be accepted for who you really are.
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- Do not gossip; make it a habit to communicate openly and tactfully.
You may be surprised how much gossiping says about you more than the person you are gossiping about! The way you handle the failures and mistakes of others signals to your friends how you would handle theirs. With every close relationship, you would have to work through your differences and disappointments — no one is perfect. As such, make it a point to talk things out rather than letting unhappiness build up and remain unresolved. Undoubtedly, these difficult conversations can be tiring, but more often than not, people appreciate open communication. Addressing differences tactfully can do much to deepen friendships and help both parties understand and trust each other more.
All in all, friendships are worth investing in. It can seem rare and effortful to find someone whom we can really connect with. However, when we do find those whom we can call our close circle — they are what will make life meaningful and bearable, despite the inevitable struggles and challenges that will come our way.