Category: Blog

We have known from a young age that friendships are enjoyable and desirable. At one point, friendships were probably one of the most important things to us. However, as we grow up, we find that we have less time to invest in the many aspects of life that demand for our attention. We prioritize and ask ourselves, “Are friendships really that important?”

 

The short answer to this is yes. Research has found that those with strong social connections are happier and healthier. They also generally have higher levels of self-confidence, which allows them to carry themselves well as individuals. Friendships satisfy our core human needs of belonging and esteem. 

 

“I am always surrounded by people, but I still feel so alone.” 

This is a common experience of many today, especially with the availability of social media which provides people with a semblance of hyper-connectedness. We might always be surrounded by school and work friends, but that does not necessarily help us feel emotionally well. 

 

One reason for this is that there are various layers to friendship: acquaintances, good friends, and close friends. While each of them plays a different role in our lives, close friends have the greatest impact on our wellbeing. They are the circle of people whom we trust, confide in, and discuss important matters with. This space to process through our emotions and experiences is a key factor that protects us against mental health disorders. Conversely, those without close relationships have been found to be more prone to unhealthy coping strategies and the onset of various mental disorders when distressing life circumstances occur.

 

Why are close friendships so hard to come by? 

One of the biggest reasons why close friendships are usually limited to a small circle of three to five is because they take time and emotional investment. There is also a risk that vulnerable self-disclosure carries — we might not be understood and accepted when people know our raw thoughts and emotions. This caution in disclosure, however, is not a bad thing. It is wise to be selective in the people we choose to disclose more personal information to. It takes time for our friends to earn our trust and help us feel safe enough to be increasingly authentic and honest. 

 

The key lies not in making every friend you come by a close friend, but rather to invest in the few comfortable relationships that we have; and deepen them. 

 

How can I build close friendships? 

1. 1. Make time to connect. 

Take time out of your schedule to spend quality time with your friends. This creates platforms for shared experiences and positive memories that deepen your relationship with each other. 

 

1. 2. Make it a point to listen. 

While you are spending time with them, be intentional in listening to them and hearing about their lives. Friendships are a two-way street; it feels good to be listened to and supported, but it is also important to tend to your friend’s emotional needs. Tune in to what they are saying, ask questions to find out more about what they have shared. Maintain eye contact and refrain from leaning back or checking your phone intermittently — this signals disinterest. Mutual respect and support keep both parties in the friendship feeling engaged and satisfied. 

 

1. 3. Take risks in self-disclosure.

Be open and honest with how you are feeling and doing as you deem appropriate. Building any relationship is like a dance – there are times you lead and there are times you follow – it is the to-and-fro that keeps it alive. Your courage in first being vulnerable can help your friend feel safe enough to do the same. Share about the less perfect things that happened in your day, and see how they come through for you. It can be very healing to be seen and known by others, and be accepted for who you really are. 

 

1. 4. Do not gossip; make it a habit to communicate openly and tactfully.

You may be surprised how much gossiping says about you more than the person you are gossiping about! The way you handle the failures and mistakes of others signals to your friends how you would handle theirs. With every close relationship, you would have to work through your differences and disappointments — no one is perfect. As such, make it a point to talk things out rather than letting unhappiness build up and remain unresolved. Undoubtedly, these difficult conversations can be tiring, but more often than not, people appreciate open communication. Addressing differences tactfully can do much to deepen friendships and help both parties understand and trust each other more. 

 

All in all, friendships are worth investing in. It can seem rare and effortful to find someone whom we can really connect with. However, when we do find those whom we can call our close circle — they are what will make life meaningful and bearable, despite the inevitable struggles and challenges that will come our way.

What is Purpose?

It is common for people to see life purpose as a very vague concept — something that we know to be ideal but are unsure of what it encompasses and how to reach it.

 

The Japanese concept of Ikigai (translated to mean “reason for being”) is one clear presentation of the different aspects of purpose:

• • What we love to do (our passion)
  • What we are good at (our strengths)
  • What society needs (our mission)
  • What we can be paid for (our profession)

 

According to Ikigai, when these factors interact, we experience personal enjoyment and a sense meaningful contribution to something larger than ourselves.

 

Benefits of Having A Purpose 

A sense of purpose often helps us make good decisions that bring us satisfaction and fulfilment. It can also be a strong motivator for us to persevere despite challenges. Conversely, people who lack a sense of purpose often find that life is mundane and meaningless.

 

The Question Remains — How?

Here are four ways we can find our purpose:

 

1. Find out what your passions and strengths are by making time for           reflection and gaining new experiences

Make time to reflect on your current and past experiences. Ask yourself: What brings you the most satisfaction? Are there causes that you believe in? Have there been certain types of tasks that you frequently receive positive feedback and praise for?

 

Additionally, do not be afraid to try out new experiences. Seek out volunteer and internship opportunities in the organizations, causes, and jobs of your interest. These experiences are also good platforms for you to connect with people within the industry who can mentor and guide you. It is common for people to realise that actual experiences are very different from what they had expected. Thus, these first-hand experiences are important in helping us gain a realistic understanding of what we are getting into.

 

2. Identify jobs and positions that tap on these passions and skillsets

It is important to work in organizations that are a good fit for our personalities, values, and strengths. While it is common for people to yearn to be in professions that society values and glorifies, we also need to recognize the hard truth that the requirements of some jobs might not suit our personalities and natural abilities. Finding a good fit between the organization’s needs and your personal interests and strengths is key to keeping us engaged and effective. A good fit allows us to contribute tangibly towards the organisation and enables us to feel motivated when we achieve positive outcomes.

 

Make use of personality and career assessment tools that assess your strengths and provide you with career suggestions. Read job descriptions carefully and consider if you can envision yourself doing well in that role. Ask for the honest feedback of trusted family members and friends, and adopt an open mind when you begin your career journey.

 

3. Develop your strengths

It is also important for us to keep improving. Our talents, if not developed, will remain like raw diamonds with untapped potential. While receiving initial praise and affirmation is important validation that we are contributing in the right place, we should not get complacent. It takes consistent effort and determination to develop and master strong skillsets. These enable us to contribute even more effectively to the work that matters to us.

 

4. Set progressive goals

That said, with the constant changes and disruptions of late, it is also common for people to find that they are unable to get employed in their ideal industries, companies, or even job level. Thus, we need to broaden our approach to get there by setting progressive goals. You can ask yourself: What are the current opportunities and resources I have within my reach? Which of those allow me to grow professionally in the key skills I would need for the job or industry I want to enter?

 

Be open to possibilities and learning opportunities. Be strategic to identify and hone key skills in your current job or volunteer capacities that you can use to add value to your next job.

 

Rather than feeling disheartened, remember, “You are not where you want to be… yet.” There is much you can do to get there! 

 

Can My Purpose Change?

Most definitely. As you grow from your experiences, your sense of purpose will change according to the things you deem to be worthwhile and meaningful. This is a good thing because this added self-knowledge will enable you to make decisions in line with the things that you genuinely enjoy and are good at.

 

All in all, it is important to remember that your pursuit of purpose is a journey. Keep your mind open to new experiences and keep learning from past ones. Find out what the organizations and society needs, develop your skillsets, and be proactive in seeking out opportunities to grow.

Is it true that “I Can’t Help It”? 

It is common to feel out-of-control when we experience strong negative emotions. However, there might also be things we unconsciously do that keep us in a state of unhappiness and negativity. There is a way for us to live more emotionally healthy lives – and the first step is to tweak our coping and thinking styles.

 

How Might I Be Making Myself Unhappy?

1.  Excessive Rumination

Rumination, put simply, refers to the process of dwelling on negative thoughts and experiences. Reflecting on our disappointments and giving ourselves the space to feel angry, guilty, or sad is healthy and necessary to helping us move forward. However, when we allow our thoughts to go in loops of how much we have fallen short and how bad the consequences were, we tend to end up in  the zone of self-blame and defeat. This prevents us from moving forward.

 

We can learn to engage in positive distractors to break negative thought chains. High levels of emotions tend to cause us to think the worst about ourselves and others. At times, breaking negativity requires a choice to step out of our current headspace, and returning only when we feel less emotional and more ready to think objectively. Thus, activities such as going out for a run or swim, watching a light-hearted movie, or meeting with friends can be effective in preventing our thoughts from running wild.

 

2.  Unwilling to Let Go of Uncontrollable Factors 

Another common contributor to our unhappiness is our attempts to control things that were never under our control. For example, the words and actions of others, or the continued spread of the pandemic which prolongs our travel and social restrictions.

 

Rather than being fixated on the idea that those uncontrollable things need to change in order for life to get better, we should identify clearly the aspects of the situation that are controllable and uncontrollable. Learning to accept the reality of uncontrollable situations and adjusting our goals to make the best of the current situation is a better way forward. Trying to control the things that we have no control over will only lead to more feelings of exasperation.

 

3.  Perfectionism 

Beyond having high expectations of oneself, perfectionism involves a pre-occupation with “perfect” outcomes. It is about having an all-or-nothing mindset where the whole journey of preparation is completely wasted if the end product is not flawless. This excessive fixation on outcomes causes individuals to constantly be highly strung, and feel intense shame or disappointment when the outcome is not perfect. In the process of pursuing perfection, we neglect small victories and progress made, and we constantly make ourselves (and others) feel inadequate.

 

Instead, go easy on yourself. Ask yourself, “Are my goals reasonable and attainable”? Try shifting your expectations from perfectionism towards that of excellence. Continue expecting the best of yourself, while remembering that your best is all you (or anyone) has to offer; and that there will always be room for growth.

 

4.  Poor Coping 

Lastly, we may engage in procrastination and addictions as they provide temporary reprieve for our minds from our stress. However, they also end up taking a toll on our physical health and cause our stress levels to pile up due to the time wasted. Instead, try developing healthier coping mechanisms that uplift your physical and emotional states. For example, try talking through things with trusted people, or engage in therapeutic hobbies such as running, writing, or art.

 

Another poor coping mechanism many engage in is social isolation. This often stems from not wanting burden our loved ones. However, this is almost always unhelpful, as being isolated from others leaves our poor thinking and coping unchecked. Social resources have proven to be a very strong factor which protects us against mental disorders. We are not doing ourselves a favour if we push people who love and care for us away. Allow yourself to be taken care of during your difficult seasons, and likewise support those around you when they need it.

 

So… Do We Really Have Control Over My Automatic Thoughts and Emotions? 

Yes, we do! It might seem like some thoughts and emotions surfaced in our minds without our conscious control. However, it is possible to gradually re-wire the way we respond by developing good mental and behavioural habits. Going for counselling to work through deep-seated habits can be a first step forward. It might seem effortful and counter-intuitive initially, but there is hope — automatic thoughts and emotions can be reshaped slowly, with effort on our part and the help of those around us.