Day 5: Lacking Leadership

We did not know what to expect in the morning. All that was in the itinerary was a vague “Leadership: Amazing Race”. There was nothing to infer from three plain words. As soon as I stepped into the room, Professor Astrid and Zachary greeted me, and initiated some small talk. I was visibly uncomfortable, I presume, as I tried to keep a front despite being intimidated.

We are not children anymore, and should take responsibility of who we are. We should be confident of ourselves. These were all roaring words said by Professor Zachary, which were meant to inspire, but all they did was tie a knot in my stomach. The second time we had to introduce ourselves to another unfamiliar person in the room, we had to do so confidently. I did it much worse than I had done previously. I was stuttering, my eyes were shifty, and I was scratching the back of my head while introducing myself, which was a habit betraying my anxiety. And I forgot the name of the girl I introduced myself to within seconds.

I found nothing in myself to be proud of.

After that nerve-wrecking start to the day, we proceeded on with the Amazing Race. It was interesting roaming around the streets of Chiang Mai. I did not dare to read the map at the start, leaving it to my groupmates. We took a wrong turn, and wasted half an hour. It was a losing proposition to hope that we could still get the most points. Eventually, we managed to work together as a team and arrive at the second destination, then taking a ride back to the hotel to reach before time was out. Our strategy worked, and we probably got 60 points for arriving earlier.

We ran as a group towards the second destination. On hindsight, I realise I had forgotten to tell my groupmates that I was going to explore the road in front to ensure that the path we are on is correct. Venturing forward without explanation was not good for a team. Moreover, I would not voice my opinions confidently, and would keep silent if no one heard my suggestion.

Confidence was something I needed to work on. It was a huge problem hoping that I could blend in with the crowd and disappear. In stark contrast, I was always the one voicing out problems with our project to the professors. It seemed that I had split personalities of sort, and I wondered how that could actually be of use to me being a leader.

I was very grateful to all my group members who have been tolerant of my odd character traits. Janice was especially inspiring, and knew how to encourage the group as well as make decisions. Joseph was quietly supportive, without being frivolous. Sally was agreeable with most things, but had her own unique take on issues too. Edward was careful, and the checker of my team, always meticulously reading every word of our assignment. Natalia was cheerful and encouraging, and always managed to calm the group down.

After the leadership session, we went to Central Festival Mall to have lunch. We then conducted surveys at the cinema in the mall, and the students there were extremely helpful. After hitting our target of gathering 20 more Thai survey responses, to hit our target group of approximately 40 responses, we decided to take five. Some people decided to explore Tesco, the braver few decided to venture to the famous Grand Canyon, while some of us decided to go for another massage.

Having missed out on the massage recommended by Fye, and greatly in need for some relief for the chronic injury in my left shoulder, I was extremely glad for deviating from my original plan to go to the Grand Canyon. It was relaxing, and I actually fell asleep during the session, despite usually being guarded and being an insomniac. However, by the time it ended, we were running late for dinner. Seeing a TukTuk in front of us, I chased the taxi and scared the driver when catching his attention. He could not help but laugh when he saw my friends catching up to me and panting, and he sent us back to the hotel speedily. Winding through the many back alleys, I realised that he knew Chiang Mai at the back of his hand. I felt as if I was a mole swerving through the many underground tunnels already built, just to catch a glimpse of my destination. Finally we reached the hotel. Famished as I was, I devoured my dinner, and proceeded for a discussion with my group.

Clarifying my doubts with Professor Patrick, I realised that I had to make fine distinctions in the terms of my research. For example, I have to specify whether self-censorship was caused by political or cultural factors. Also, I ought to chew over the definition of the word “culture”, which was suggested as a concept of a group of people having shared beliefs, ideals, habits, and behaviours which have an overarching meaning attached to them, notably invented by the people of that social group.

It was an eventful day, and after delegating tasks to our group members, we headed back to rest. I was left in the conference hall with a notebook. I had bought the notebook at Maya mall on Day 3, and asked Sally to draw on it, having seen her drawings before. She was marvellous, and the inked name at the front seemed as if it were printed. Edward was tasked to fold a crane origami out of red ribbons, and he did a brilliant job of it. Everyone had penned their thoughts down to gift to Fye, except myself and Darren. I was searching for words, and decidedly wrote a poem, though it was regrettably not perfect by my standards. Somehow, I distinctly recalled the light of Doi Suthep against the dark sky, and I penned:

To Fye:

A trip is too brief

against parting’s grief,

yet long enough

to warm a heart.

The sights though foreign

were not barren

of an invigorating joy and life.

Time passes in a senseless fashion;

roads are trod in repetition;

but meaning holds constant for all generations.

Much like how our meeting

stays etched

(forever) reflected in the moon-lit evening.